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Rachel Stevens.

I have never seem Rachel Stevens perform live, not when she was a member of S Club, nor in her solo 'career'. We keep seeing her on TV 'performing live', yet the movement of her lips bear no resemblance to the soundtrack.

I think the problem is that as she was the first of S Club to go solo, she was expected to be an instant success. Her first single did well, although given the current climate of the singles market, it has to be questioned why it didn't get to number one. I can exclusively reveal here: despite the mass buying of radio airtime, despite more TV appearances than adverts for personal claims and despite the video being in constant rotation on practically every satellite music channel, the song was shite. 'Sweet Dreams My L.A. Ex' was disjointed, trite wannabe R&B tosh and was propelled up the charts primarily by huge buying teams.

What is far more entertaining is the follow-up to 'Sweet Dreams', the title track from the album which recieved very little media attention in comparison to the debut. 'Funky Dory' was released around the same time as the album of the same name. Both were dismal performers. The single charted at number 26 and the album didn't stay in the top 75 for long.

Given the last paragraph, it is all the more surprising that Stevens was given the opportunity to maul to the song for BBC Sport Relief 2004. It has a fairly credible electro backing which is quite good until the 'singing' starts. The vocals are so heavily over produced that the originals have been long lost in the range of electronic processing. And then there is the actual content of the song, a homage to girl power, apparently.

Now, you're using a song to promote BBC Sport Relief. An event which is encouraging people to get active and get sponsored for doing so. The premise of the event is honourable - encourage the fitness of the nation and raise some money for starving sprogs while you're at it. Bearing all that in mind, what is the first line of the song? Allow me to quote "My baby drives a car".

However, there is one line in the chorus which made me smile: "Dreams of number one last forever", which for you, Miss Stevens, they do. Despite media saturation eclipsing that of her debut, dozens of prime time BBC tv and radio airings (complete with piss awful miming) and all manner of female sporting celebs in the video, it missed the top spot by a significant margin.

So lets hope that she can find a job miming to a soundtrack for some musical in the West End before Polydor decide to give her another chance, shall we?

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